OPEN LETTER 2013

You know by now my post titles are always emmmmmmmmm lets say unparalleled. This particular one was inspired by Jay-Z ‘s song, not what your’e thinking. I’d rather ignore that one.

Anyways, WOW!!! It’s New Year ’s Eve already. For me I must say it’s been a bumpy ride. I wasn’t on blogsville at the beginning of the year. Just been on a few months and it’s been a wonderful ride. This place is a beautiful world with so many beautiful people who have encouraged and inspired me. God bless you all.

So much love around here and so little beef (Or maybe I haven’t seen because I’m still a JAMBITE). All the same it’s been some year.

In 2013 I had major financial issues especially before I changed jobs. I was just always broke.

In 2013 I went through a massive breakup. I was totally stupid and for the first two months after it happened I did not cry or feel sad. I blocked it out completely cos there were so many parts I regret. As soon as I log on to facebook and see his update, I’ll just scroll past like nothing was wrong.

Took me 9 weeks to finally admit it was over (or perhaps never even really started) and then I went on to stalk him on social media like a high school girl(so my friend told me oh) abi do adults do the stalking thing ?

Thank God for a friend who equally went through worse (actually broke up weeks before weddin after very many years). Made me realize sometimes when we go through stuff, God expects us to help people with our experiences and strengthen them. I know it’s hard sometimes to share all that personal stuff but you will find out some have it worse and need the little encouragement you can give. Or have it less worse but have been magnifying it in their minds and drowning in self pity. By the time my friend was done talking to me based on what she had gone through, I started to feel better, even stupid. Her weddin was just weeks away and she had to cancel stuff and answer all kinds of questions. So what did I go through that I was acting like the heavens would come crashing down? Also within a year after that she met and married someone else.

Tough times don’t last. Tough people do.

I achieved a major educational milestone. It was just God.

I changed jobs. That was God too. My old job was so frustrating. People constantly shouted at me on the phone. I swear it’s hard to keep customers and clients happy. People are so difficult to deal with. This actually got me closer to God. Forget all the man troubles. The job thing was my major prayer point. I just kept crying inside.

I never had free time. My phone would ring at odd hours with customers needing attention like I’m their maid. To go for lunch sef na die. But God showed up. The only one day I got a break I read the office newspaper and found the opening. Applied on my phone. Boss travelled next day and so I went for interview and just got it. This is just a summary oh. The real story is more dramatic. But yes I’m full of thanks. Oh for a thousand tongues to sing ………….

I got closer to God. I have always yearned for this. Was always too lazy. Fasting seemed impossible. I also couldn’t pray for more than five minutes at a go. This year I prayed and fasted till my job came. Yes, no fronting. Troubles pushed me to God. I have also started reading my bible extensively. I didn’t finish it. Matter of fact I’m around halfway(Job 5 for Old testament and Acts 11 for New Testament). Still I’m grateful for his grace despite my unfaithfulness. I will get there. Filthy me, who am I?

Lost a sweetheart from way back in school also. Gentle babe. Spirit filled. One of those people so good they made you feel inadequate. Yet very humble. Died having her first child. Really sad.

I grew stronger and learnt to ignore bad belle. Everyone needs this. I used to buy size 6 clothes and still adjust with the tailor. Everyone would make funny remarks and call me names. Now I am a size 10 bursting out. Same people are telling me how fat I am. To be fair I didn’t like being a 6 cos some clothes were wearing me instead of the other way round so it was easy for them to prey on my insecurities. Now I love being a 10 and I would behave myself and stay this way but No ! I would not lose a gram for anyone. I look in the mirror and I like what I see. Badonkadonks lookin nice in jeans or bodycon dresses. Make up your mind about yourself. Even if you need to add or lose weight, don’t allow anyone rub it in for you. When it comes to your body listen only to yourself. The song that always works in this situation is Follow your Arrow by Kacey Musgraves. Trust me it’s a good one!!! Learn to sing it. Or paste the lyrics on your room wall.

In this New Year, I hope to get even closer to God. I have a feeling there have been many times he tried to pass a message to me and I somehow was just not settled enough to listen. I also plan to do something new. Something significant. Dasall. No long story. Oh and also I will not watch Miley Cyrus ‘Adore you’ . Heard too much about it already.

Post getting too lengthy. To everyone reading this:

It is well with you

You and your loved ones will not cry in this coming year

Next year will end with you alive

May you find love happiness and cheer

The Lord shall make his face shine upon you

You shall live in abundance and

The God of all peace shall give you peace everyday and in every way. Unquestionable, incomprehensible peace. That you will bask in regardless of whatever goes on around you.

Oh before I go here are my top 20 most played songs this year (in no particular order).

1.     Ghost Mode – Phyno & Olamide

2.    All of me – John Legend

3.    Royals – Lorde

4.    Blurred lines – Robin Thicke (just always gets me moving)

5.    Jaiye jaiye – Wizkid

6.    Thrift shop – Macklemoore(for the concept and lyrics. He had the guts to break out without singing about drugs and fast cars. Also he appealed to that cheap or if you like prudent/parsimonious part of most of us we all try to hide).

7.    The Kick - Wande Coal (I always turn up the volume when this song starts)

8.    Let her Go – Passenger

9.    Don’t you worry child – Swedish House Mafia

10. Summertime Sadness – Lana Del Rey

11.  Eminado – Tiwa Savage

12.  Mamas broken heart – Miranda Lambert

13.  Done – The band Perry

14. When I was your man – Bruno Mars (used to imagine my ex singing it to me in ten years after I’m married to a billionaire with two cute kids).

15.  Cups (when I’m gone) – Anna Kendrick (this one I imagined singing to him)

16.  Pullover – Kcee ft Wizkid (lasted two weeks but those two weeks eh?)

17.  I drive your truck – Lee Brice

18.  Limpopo – Kcee

19.  More of you – Anita Wilson

And finallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

20. ADA ADAAAAAAAA OOOOOOOOOO Pekem pekem iya iya pekem ………………..

Happy New Year in advance!!!!!! I lourrvvvvvvvvveeeeeeee you all!!!!!

E DEY PAIN ME #justiceforalice

Hello everyone,

I know I seem to be late on this matter but better late than never. How was Christmas ? Had malaria and a sore throat so I couldn't bring myself to type a proper post.

In case you do not understand my topic, I'ma explain it to you.

E DEY PAIN ME is self explanatory.

The hashtag on the other hand is something that we are getting to trend. In summary it is about a 34 year old Nigerian woman, Alexandra Ossai was until about two weeks ago a supervisor with a certain Toppan Company on a monthly salary of N17,000.00 or if you like $106 !!!! She worked hard, six days a week.

Her Lebanese boss, Kaveh Noine (as the story goes) saw a container on the floor and hit her in the chest for negligence and proceeded to attempt to fire her but later said it was her last warning.

The next day he said she looked like a mad woman and beat her up, including a hard kick in the tummy, thus killing her seven month old pregnancy and resulting in other health complications that she had to undergo emergency surgery to save her life.

If you have not seen this hashtag on twitter, you have been sleeping on a bicycle. Police said the matter wasn't reported early enough *rolling eyes* and the boss in question is now at large.

By 9am today, there will be a peaceful protest at the company.I swear I'd be there if I wasn't stuck at work but I'm following the story as much as I can.

The company is on Ladipo Oluwole Street in Ikeja Industrial Estate off Oba Akran. You guys know that street na, where all the Lebanese and Indian companies are and their unskilled workers roll out en masse during rush hour, looking all shades of scruffy.

These things where people get killed, maimed and lose parts of their bodies for no reason need to stop. If you can't join the protest, do something : pray for those protesting, pray for the woman concerned, pray for her family that they bear the loss well, pray she gets strong soon, pray she gets a better job, pray for justice, find the hashtag and retweet, report if you have connections, reblog this or do a post your own way.

Just do something !!!!

Much love.

BREAK IN TRANSMISSION

Hello loves,

I totally apologise for the break oh, I haven't even been reading any blogs.

I tell you work is so cray cray right now, I'm not even talking about the volume, I can totally live with that mehn but the look in boss eyes each day gets scarier and scarier.

I feel like I'll be getting a dismissal letter for a new year's gift. I pray it doesn't happen oh but honestly I'm just scared and  confused at work.

We're not having any christmas party or bonuses(nothing at all). We only get the 25th and 26th off and work is still as busy as ever. There's only one sad excuse for a tree at the reception. That's the only sign of the holidays around here.

I pray so hard every day that work goes well and I don't have any issues. So much drama around me. God dey sha.

Even scared of posting all the drama before my boss finds it.

I will anyways jor seeing as I have started applying for new jobs or maybe when I get a new one ........................................ still deliberating.

 My laptop and blackberry are spoilt and works so busy. When i get home, I'm tired and too lazy to type a whole post on touchscreen with the only sensible device left. I just love keypads abeg, call me whatever.

I'll do my best, I love you all, lemme do some blog rounds.

Merry Christmas darlings,

xoxo.

CAN'T KEEP LEGS CLOSED ?

Hahahahahaha hehehehe hohohohoho you guys are just horrible. So you wee stee read dis one. Issorai !

 I’m just laughing as I’m typing this post. I see it being my most viewed post with this title . Someborri shout Hallelujah !!!

Ok it’s very obvious I don’t have anytin to blog about but as a sharp Lagos geh, I go ruff am. At all at all na im bad pass.

I have to warn you though. This is the silliest post eva. My way of passing the remaining thirteen or so minutes before closing. Also I may be tipsy (shhhhh boss is coming)

So I recently read that somewhere in Mexico, a 25 year old babe (dat shoulda been young and sharp oh), has been dating a 40 year old farmer. Every morning before going to his farm, for fear that she would cheat, he would put this makeshift chastity belt/padlock on her and go out. This had been going on for 12 years. Yes oh! Since she was 13. Until sometime in September when she was in so much pain and could not use the toilet but was still too afraid to cut her pants open. Dat was wen d mumu went to report to the authorities. (May God not give us slow sheedren). They found the man and he gladly brandished the keys in the face of the policemen (okay that brandishing part was for effect).

As expected she refused to press charges and they went back home to live happily ever after.  He promised not to do it again. When I read that part I jus yimud mehn. Yes,  to yimu is a verb

I yimu

You yimu

He/She yimus

We yim(note that the u is silent here ) lol

They yim etc etc

Sorry I digress. This is not a french class. But how did this happen? Is this how she has only been going to the ladies only morning and night for the past twelve years? What kind of life is that? Where were her parents? Why didn’t it look odd to her? Why did she have a 28 year old boyfriend when she was 13? Didn’t anyone notice? Does she not have friends or siblings ? Or is it that she has and they are all locked up in similar belts ? Why hasn’t the man married her after twelve years? No engagement ring sef . Ah ah!!! Some people will roast in hell oh. That Agbaya.

Anyway after reading that, I started to read about all them medieval times, what chastity belts looked like and how they worked  (Although I think the one in this particular case was just a padlock he used to lock the chickens on his farm but you get my drift sha )

Aside the fact that they were made of heavy metal they are actually cute and of course useful. If you use one, you go no say notin notin. You needn’t bother about the extra expenses of having him/her followed or the stress of looking through his/ her messages or the fear of jazz backfiring if you decide instead to visit a babalawo. Therefore I am working on having some made. In these days of modernity, social media, career women and travelling men, what better way to secure your love interest and not watch someborri come and eat your investment.

These ones will be cute and simple. Made of some special kind of plastic but the locks will be extra strong. Trust me they won’t be uncomfortable and there will still be allowance for you to do your business if you have to. I am also thinking of making them in colours and flavours.

If you are still reading this rubbish by this time, you probably need one.

If :

1.       You are insecure about your significant other or even yourself(ie you are eyeing someone else)

2.       You are in a LDR (including where one person lives on the Island and the other on the mainland)

3.       On a scale of 1 to 10 either of you is at least a 4 (belt should be bought for said 4)

4.       You argue more than once quarterly

5.       You do not make the same salary

6.       Your partner’s parents do not seem to like you

7.       You do not live together

So please make your orders. Send ur US sizes and lets do this. Free delivery during the yuletide.

Ok if you are not tired of reading rubbish me I’m tired of typing it. So I’m out.

By the way Sean Penn and his family (nuclear and extended alike), friends and foes have been buzzing my phone like crazy. OMG! I really do not know what to do about his matter. That me that used to tolerate is dead and goneeee dead and gone.

Oh and are there really ‘Go and die’ Tee shirts? Nigerians are jus wrong mehnnnn

Take care sweethearts. Thanks to the people checking even though I post once a month. And those two people I exchanged emails with in the course of the week.

Have yourselves a lovely weekend people

Xoxo.

NO WORDS

This is simply a picture, dedicated to that blogger who .......................................................... I'm sure you know yourself

*tongue out*

OF PERVOS & SICKOS

YOU!

 I know you na, you can’t see this kind of title and move on. Lailai. See your face.

Some people are just so so sick. The sad part is they don’t even know it.

So anyways we’ve been having some water problems in the house. Yesterday, the plumber came in the morning and checked it out. He gave an estimate of stuff he needed to buy and left. We all had to go to work so he couldn’t come back immediately. The plan was for the first person to get back from work to call him to come fix it. Anyways I got in just after my cousin who had already called him and he sent over one of his boys.

I got in tired and was having a cold shower. As soon as I finished washing my face and I opened my eyes, I looked straight at the window and there he was, staring with his mouth open. Idiot. I was going to open the window to hit him in the face but then he fled fast enough. This boy is just an apprentice. I doubt he’s more than 17 years old. So he saw aunty like me and still had the guts to look.

I just got so irritated. I was done but I washed again. I felt so dirty. The way his mouth was open was so annoying. I wished his eyes were closed. I’d have poured bleach or disinfectant down his throat. Omo oloshi.

Only for me to get to work this morning and see “KANSAS WOMAN RUNS TOPLESS THROUGH STORE”. Of course I had to read it na. So I open it and the story is not as crazy as I thought. Summary is the babe(Jeanne Ouellette) was in the department store’s dressing room only for this son of the doomed one to be recording it on his phone. Immediately she caught the fool he started running and without thinking she ran after him, hand across her boobs but then he made it to the front door first and she had to stop. She screamed and the clothed ones helped chase and eventually catch him. That fool would have taken the video home and done all kinds of gross things or even posted it on the internet.

As soon as I read it, I immediately abandoned my work and signed in to blogger. I just had to rant.

I hope there’s VIP reserved for such debauchees in hell.

Goats.

Cows.

Pigs.

Mscheewwww.

Goodbye ! Lol

WRECKING BALL

Hi guys, em em em well this is not really a post but then this video has gone viral. If you grew up in Naija, you should remember these guys. All they do is pick a hit track and remix it (as razzly as possible ). Sometimes its really hillarious. Other times, not so much. Not sure what to say about this one. It did make me laugh though. I wanna assume there are still a few people who haven't seen it. To those people, I say you're welcome.

Enjoy.
xoxo